Scared.........

-I am scared
-Scared of what
-I dunno. feeling weird. Please don't tell anyone.
-I'll tell......
I'll say that it was a beautiful moonlit night. We lay together under the stars, holding each other.......
and we made love.
Does it sound scary????

-I love you

Reason.........

What is the reason to do or not to do a certain thing.
What is the reason to feel or not to feel a certain way.
Is it because we have a reason to, or because we dont have a reason not to?
Why am I feeling like this? i sit because I have a reason to or because i don't have a reason to feel otherwise?
Why am I getting married? Is it because I have a reason to? or is it because I don't have a reason not to.
I dont love him............. I feel absolutely nothing. At times I don't understand. I dont get his jokes or him either............ Then why am I doing this? What is the reason?
Why should I not do it? What is the reason for that?
Why do I feel this way? Is it because I love him or is it because I dont want to give it up. cannot stop standing for it, clinging on... like he always said.
I dont have a reason for any of this...........

jst missin u ....................................

Jaane tu mera kya hai, jaane tu mera kya tha,
Tu hi mera har pal, tu hi har lamha tha..

Jaane kaisi kashish hai, jaane kaisi khalish hai,
Kyu yeh saans thami hai, aankhon mein kyu nami hai..

Hai dosti humko yakeen tha, dosti aur kuch bhi nahi tha,
Hai kaisa yeh dard naya sa, kyu dil lagta tuta tuta sa,
Janaa dil jaana, kaise maine naa jaana,
Ki pyaar yahi hai, yeh jaane tu ya jaane naa..
Janaa dil jaana, kaise tune naa jaana,
yeh pyaar yahi hai, haan jaane tu ya jaane naa..

Jaane tu mera kya hai, jaane tu mera kya tha,
Tu hi mera har pal, tu hi har lamha tha..

Hhooooo…
Hoti thi tujhse subah har din ki,
Tere dopher se sham ki dhun thi ,
Hoti thi raatein teri baaton mein khoye,
Tere khayalon mein hi jaage aur soye..

Tu jo nahi to kya raha..

Jaane tu mera kya hai, jaane tu mera kya tha,
Tu hi mera har pal, tu hi har lamha tha..
Jaane kaisi kashish hai, jaane kaisi khalish hai,
Kyu yeh saans thami hai, aankhon mein kyu nami hai..

Janaa dil jaana, kaise maine naa jaana,
Ki pyaar yahi hai, yeh jaane tu ya jaane naa..
Janaa dil jaana, kaise tune naa jaana,
yeh pyaar yahi hai, yeh jaane tu ya jaane naa..

Expressions...........

There is a dialouge in the movie "You've got mail" which I dont think I remember correctly but its interprettation is "always I have wanted to say things but never could find the right thing to say or didnt say it and always thought about it afterwards and regretted it. Today, I had to say something, I knew exatly what to say, and said it. But did'nt feel good about it."
I identify so much with this. All the time I've had things to say but didnt say it. many a times I didnt know what to say and what I should have said struck later.
In the times that I knew what to say and didnt say I wonder wether saying what i wanted to would have made me feel better. How much should one say, how much should one express is a question which comes to my mind often.
How much sould one expose her true self, How much scope of interprettation should one give, How much should one trust......... and how freely should one express.
I have been blatently honest and open to a point of being labelled as opinionated. I guess i took the leverage because I thought that the few would understand where I was coming frm and what I meant. Now I have come to realise that that too was just an illusion that I had, a realization that they too probably never knew where I came from and what I said , meant.
Do we even know wht we mean ourselves? Do we know ourselves? do we know our feelings? or do we live in the impressions and opinions that we have of ourselves?If not then how can i even say i was honest and open. I too was and am living in the image and opinion of my self. ...... ....
A full circle. I still have a lot to say.... a lot to express... a lot to write about... a lot to get clarity in my head about....
But the question of how much should i express? Wether I should say what I want to say? remains....Will the opinion and the Image I have of my self get and feel any better if I express or will I regrett saying exatly what i want to.

Away........

You are not here and not a moment has passed when I dont feel your presence.I think about you, talk to you, smile at you,wink and share and feel all that I feel when you are around.
I read somewhere that you should not be around somebody you should not love.... You should not love me....You are not around.
The circles of rights and wrongs, justifications, allegations and clarifications continue in my mind. I dont know what you feel and what you think. I dont know what it is and what it will be....
I dont belong here, I should not be around, I should be a nobody for you, I am like this black ominious stain on the clear beautiful sky filled with pride and joy.
I embarass you, I make you feel guilty, I take you away from what it is. you should not be around me.
And yet why do I wish you were here, that you belonged here, that you were mine, that I could give it a name, that I could have you forever and that this would "last for a lifetime and not just a lifetime of a dream".
What I have with you is beautiful, more beautiful than anyting I have ever had and perhaps more baeutiful that I will ever have. I never felt so special, I never had this beauty, I was never so happy.....
I wish I could have it forever..... I wish I could die right there.
I wish we could go away...
We will go away but in different directions...