Mushrooms

This has become one of my quick fixes. It is simple and quick to make.
These come out really good.

500 gms Button Mushrooms chopped into 1 inch cubes
1 onion finely chopped
2 green chillies
1 cup milk
1 tbsp black pepper
1 tbsp oil

Heat oil in a pan. Put in the green chillies and let them splutter. Add the onions and fry till golden brown.
Now add the mushrooms and salt. Cover for a few minutes. The mushrooms will get cooked in their own moisture.
Once the mushrooms are half cooked, uncover the pan and let the water evaporate.
Once dry, add the cup of milk, and let the mushrooms soak up the milk.
After the milk has reached a creamy texture, take it off the heat.
Sprinkle powdered black pepper over it and serve hot.

Mmmmmmmmm...............................

Dad.

The thought reminds me of the smiling brown eyes, the reassuring face, the feeling of uncoditional love, immense respect.
Dad has always been my pillar of strength. When in doubt, I would walk upto him and he would say something that would make all my obstacles nonexistient, my issues too fickle to ponder over, life too perfect.

I remember when I was a little girl, and if it was a special day, or dad was feeling like it, I would'nt have to take the bus to school.
He would drop me. I would be this little girl in a blue school uniform sitting in the front seat of a mahindra jeep beside a tall, handsome man in a dark grey uniform, tan brown shoes and aviators.
I would sit there looking at Dad.... falling in love with him. Every day....... Reached school, I would get off . He would call out "Mumma", I would turn around he would slip a ten rupee note in my shirt pocket and say "dont tell Ma and finish your tiffin also", and wink at me.

He was all that mattered to me.. I would mentally figure out what he would appreciate and what he would despise. Never would I mention what he didnt like.
It would'nt bother me what others thought as long as I had his support.

There was this time I was perturbed about what was in store for the future, wether I would succeed or fail. I called him up and said. "I might fail. I might dissapoint you". He replied "So....?".
I was quiet.
He said "I dont love you because you are successful. I love you because you are my daughter. Your failure or success will not define or change my love for you. I will still be at your side. "
.........................
He is the giver, the shield.
He would brave the tough life, not think about what he needed to take care of our whims.
Be this awesome filter which would let only the good pass. Never let the murk get through.

Today, he is losing this strength.... he not willing to acknowledge it.
He needs to be taken care of. Dosent allow it.
We have grown up. Dosent believe it.

I fell helpless...
...........................

I know that no man will ever love me like he does.

Love you dad....

Awakening .........

Nature has some strange effect on me. Wether it is rain, a hill, the sea, a stream, a lake, sunrise, sunset. . . .

I had lived alone for quite sometime (about 4 months) in this house before my flatmate moved in. It was strange. I liked it and hated it at the same time. The fun part was the feeling of independence, the feeling of space, getting closer to myself while I was living on my own. On the flip side was unlocking the door and entering an empty house every day, long phone bills, eating alone. . . When my flatmate moved in, it was a welcome change. We are from the same place, in similar places emotionally and chuddi buddies. It is fun being with her.

Suddenly, I was on my own again.... Long weekend. Flatmate out of town, friends caught up with something or the other. Didnt have the will or the interest to do anything. just hibernated the entire weekend. moved from being low to lower by the hour.

Sunday night I was restless and couldnt get sleep. So started watching movies. watched two... back to back. When the second got over, I looked at the time. 5:15 A.M. No sign of sleep. I was wide awake... I walked into my balcony. There was an aewsome breeze and I stood there...

The sky started turning from black to violet to grey... It was beautiful. I changed, grabbed my camera and wnt out for a walk to the park behind my place. It was almost deserted. I too off my footwear and walked on the dew laden grass. It was bliss. I could see the the sky lightening in the east. I lay down on the grass and watched the changing hues of the sky till it was bright. It was bliss.

The park started getting busier. people on their morning walks, some practicing yoga, some chatting in groups. The one thing I couldnt help but notice was zest for life on each face. I didnt see a glum face around.

I walked out of the park. Came back home. Picked up the newspaper and the milk at the door. Made myself a good breakfast of bread, eggs and tea. I was sitting on my balcony floor facing the very bright, radiant, warm sun and I felt joy. Oneness with myself. As if I had woken up to a new me..

Thankful......

In the past few days, there were so many moments when I realized how fortunate and blessed I am to know and have the people I have in my life.
These people who I never really made any effort for, never did anything for, never bothered about...
These people who have no expectations from me, its just plain... simple... pure friendship.

I remember some time back when things were rough, I said to someone... "Its like I have nothing to hold onto, the people I thought were mine just aren't there...Its just vacuum"
I was wrong.... I am surrounded by people who are mine. Who have no if's and but's .... who are unconditionally there.

My Friends.............

I am truly blessed....

Thanks for being there always...

Afterthoughts.....

I read these want to agree.... want to belive.......... that these are true.
But I am having afterthoughts. These questions are haunting me.
Sought answers.... No luck....


When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side...
And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left!
How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly?
The Alchemist

When I read this I realised that I/We always associate happiness, joy with the presence or absence of someone or something. Does the beauty of love and companionship fade so quickly? Is it that easy to forget the joy, comfort and bliss that it brought.....
and just be left with the bitterness and frustation of someone or something not being there anymore, Of not feeling the same again.
Why do we always want to end up as victims of some affliction rather than the being recipients of goodness?
Why do we leave the bliss of "what was" behind and carry the burden of sorrow that "it isint" anymore?
I am still searching for an answer..............

All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement…
Freedom only exists when love is present.
The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves the most.
Eleven Minutes
I want desperately to agree with this..... But I am somehow not conviced....
Is the desire to "love" greater than the desire to "be loved"?
Is it true that you can give yourself up wholly.... completely.. and not expect anything in return?
Is love giving yourself up?


No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.
That is the true experience of freedom:
"having the most important thing in the world without owning it."
Eleven Minutes
When it comes to love what is the line between "having" and "owning"?
Is love letting go?
Can you still feel the freedom if someone you love isi'nt yours? If yes.. why do we not feel the freedom after they are gone? Why is so difficult to let go? Why is it so difficult not to feel stifled? Why do we keep analysing "WHY" is isi'nt a certain way?

Left Behind...

It was just another day and I was passing by the cafetaria. And I saw this person having dinner... and I froze. He looked so much like someone I knew, the way he ate, the angle back made on the chair,the length of his neck, the look of his glasses, the make of his watch.... But he wasnt the one I knew.
This just brought back all that was in my mind before... All that I refused to to think about, all that I would brush under the carpet... All that I thought I had left behind.
I suddenly realised that all this while it had been a part of my existance.
I would chuckle to mayself and pronounce "contagious" when I caught someone yawning after noticing that I had or vice versa

I would smile at a mans shapley feet

I would recall a certan palce each time I had corn soup

I would wrap my arms around myself each day I got up at an hour when the sun was not up yet but its warmth could be felt

I would always feel someones presence when I would walk down a long road (without music)

I would close my eyes and feel his voice as he sang it when I hear the song

I would recall all the conversations and the lot that had happend over coffee at a certain coffee shop

Every time I would look a a long haired super cool dude, It would remind me of his advice to marry one of the kind

I would miss him everytime I was labelled stupid for watching hopelessly romantic movies

I looked at this picture of a starry night and it reminded me of the breathtaking beautiful skies

I could see the concern in his eyes whenever my heamoglobin is low or I have a bout of nausea

I would mentally create the shocked expression whenever my baby sister acted big

I would miss him every time I scratched a bruise and it bled.....

It was all there while I want it not to be. while I want to walk away. While I want to leave it behind.
The why's never stop. The understanding... acceptance... denial... anger... acuastion... guilt... love.. fear.. longing, all wage this strange battle, this same commotion, this same conflict.
I dont know why, I dont know what.
I thought I had moved on... I thought I had left it all behind....I thought I was free.... I thought I was in control
Dont know if I am... If I have.........

Just for now... at the moment I feel left Behind......................

Status as of 20th Apr

1. Stop Defining, segmenting and bucketing who/what I am and what I am not... Live life as and when it comes and do what I want to at the moment. - At it... goin great

2. Get a Wannabe Haircut - Done

3. Lead a healthier lifestyle - :(

4. Cook for myself and others. I have somehow just stopped cooking... All I ever make is Maggi, Bread and eggs and tea/coffee - Yippeeeee gives me gr8 pleasure

5. Click more pictures. Including pictures of myself with that million dollar smile ;) - whenever I gt an oppur

6. Enroll into a photography course / workshop and learn the Tricks. - not yet.. met some one who is an amazing photographer. keep getting tips ;)

7. Stop looking back to what it was/were. Just let go. Loosen myself - Trying.... little success :(

8. Attach less. Get Attached even less - HELP ME.....

9. Meet family more often. Even the people who I don’t like as much. - Did a good job of it while I was at home

10. Have expectations only from Myself - Hmmmmm Well Well

11. Travel - no progress

12. Buy a vehicle - no progress

13. Start living on my own. And do up my home really well. - This is a feat. Got a rally cool place nd it ia actually done up reallly really well. Actually mony gone in this.. But living alone has been good so far :)

14. Dance without a reason or care - yepppp

15. Get Married…… that’s the toughest… Whew. If alls well ;) - This is goin off my list soon ;)

16. Listen to Mom and Dad and don’t be rude. - Yeah... done a really good job

17. Work more professionally and passionately especially on what is in the kitty now - Works goin gr8....

18. Be more organized. Too much clutter..... clear it - Hmmmm New home, done up well, No clutter, Just the emotional mess :(

19. Eat healthier - transit from the old to the new home. No home for a while, stuff packed, surviving on dhaba food Whew. Ill do a good job of it now

20. Save money- Blame it on the shifting

21. Read more intellectually... Although I have been reading quite a lot, would like to read a little more intellectually(the stuff I brush off/find boring now) - just not been reading

22. Visit Taj Mahal and Golden Temple.- will do

23. Watch more movies - really bad bad bad....

24. Smile a lot. Laugh a lot. hmmm well....

25. Pray everyday and be thankful for everything. - gives amazing peace....

A new addition:-

3 tatoos (One at a time)- right shoulder blade, left collarbone, and left ankle/wrist :)

Look Back .....

"I really wish I had a car today" you said. It was raining.... "I wish I could drive while holding your hand. I wish I had lots of stuff in the car." You smiled "especially food, and a warm blanket".
"We would drive on and on......."

I have lived your thought a million times.

The water flowing off the windshield, casting shadows as mystical, as vague, as discerning as the thoughts in my mind. The trees forming our shielding canopy, fresh after a shower, showering abundance and blessings on us. Your hand in mine. An occasional glance at you. Your smile. The look in your eyes....
Like always we were quiet, in our own worlds.. far away... Yet so close........ One....... Whole.....

Lived it all over again. The rain, the lights, the food, the amazingly warm blanket, the trees... all there. Just as I had lived it in my thoughts.

There was no hand to hold..... No glances to steal... No smile..... No eyes... No faraway thoughts... No one beside me.... Alone... Empty....

And yet I could feel your presence. Hear your voice, Hear your smile, look into your eyes.

But I still wish you were here. . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .

25 things to do while I am 25.

1. Stop Defining, segmenting and bucketing who/what I am and what I am not... Live life as and when it comes and do what I want to at the moment.

2. Get a Wannabe Haircut

3. Lead a healthier lifestyle

4. Cook for myself and others. I have somehow just stopped cooking... All I ever make is Maggi, Bread and eggs and tea/coffee

5. Click more pictures. Including pictures of myself with that million dollar smile ;)

6. Enroll into a photography course / workshop and learn the Tricks.

7. Stop looking back to what it was/were. Just let go. Loosen myself

8. Attach less. Get Attached even less

9. Meet family more often. Even the people who I don’t like as much.

10. Have expectations only from Myself

11. Travel

12. Buy a vehicle

13. Start living on my own. And do up my home really well.

14. Dance without a reason or care

15. Get Married…… that’s the toughest… Whew. If alls well ;)

16. Listen to Mom and Dad and don’t be rude.

17. Work more professionally and passionately especially on what is in the kitty now

18. Be more organized. Too much clutter..... clear it

19. Eat healthier

20. Save money

21. Read more intellectually... Although I have been reading quite a lot, would like to read a little more intellectually(the stuff I brush off/find boring now)

22. Visit Taj Mahal and Golden Temple.

23. Watch more movies

24. Smile a lot. Laugh a lot.

25. Pray everyday and be thankful for everything.

Hello.............

I've been alone with you inside my mind And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times I sometimes see you pass outside my door Hello, is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes I can see it in your smile You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide 'Cause you know just what to say And you know just what to do And I want to tell you so much, I love you ...
I long to see the sunlight in your hair And tell you time and time again how much I care Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow Hello, I've just got to let you know
'Cause I wonder where you are And I wonder what you do Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart For I haven't got a clue But let me start by saying, I love you ...
Hello, is it me you're looking for? 'Cause I wonder where you are And I wonder what you do Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart For I haven't got a clue But let me start by saying ... I love you

Dil....... Dosti.... etc..

In the recent past my fundas on Dil, Dosti etc have just shaken up.
The other day someone asked me ..... Love or Money, Listen to your head or your heart, and whether following your dreams is practical or impractical. and I didn't take a moment and said... Love, heart and Practical.
If asked to justify tangibly (a word which has become a part and parcel of my life), I wont be able to.

Dil...... :) what about it? I don't even know what it is anymore....
There is a famous saying. "LOVE - I can tell you a thousand things its not, but not one it is. "
I don't recognize it anymore. It no longer has a meaning............... Years of believing that you love someone and you cant live without him/her , being the person you want to grow old with , the perfect companion , the one who brings out the best in you................ and all that. is relevant no longer. just takes a moment for people to walk away. To disrespect , to dishonor.
Is all of this really this shallow? This easy to forfeit?
When I walk around, every thing reminds me of them, the time they shared, the things they told me, the beautiful tomorrow they had imagined. All shattered . in moments.
Is there a thing as Dil, as love?

Dosti..... The one thing i lived by, but now I am assured that there is no bigger joke than the dosti I believed in. It is a mere " term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more people." as Wikipedia puts it. Its just that.

ETC..... No one stops, nothing stops, Everyone and everything keeps moving on... on its own.

Expressions..........

There is a dialouge in the movie "You've got mail" which I dont think I remember correctly but its interprettation is "always I have wanted to say things but never could find the right thing to say or didnt say it and always thought about it afterwards and regretted it. Today, I had to say something, I knew exatly what to say, and said it. But did'nt feel good about it."
I identify so much with this. All the time I've had things to say but didnt say it. many a times I didnt know what to say and what I should have said struck later.
In the times that I knew what to say and didnt say I wonder wether saying what i wanted to would have made me feel better. How much should one say, how much should one express is a question which comes to my mind often.
How much sould one expose her true self, How much scope of interprettation should one give, How much should one trust......... and how freely should one express.
I have been blatently honest and open to a point of being labelled as opinionated. I guess i took the leverage because I thought that the few would understand where I was coming frm and what I meant. Now I have come to realise that that too was just an illusion that I had, a realization that they too probably never knew where I came from and what I said , meant.
Do we even know wht we mean ourselves? Do we know ourselves? do we know our feelings? or do we live in the impressions and opinions that we have of ourselves?If not then how can i even say i was honest and open. I too was and am living in the image and opinion of my self. ..........
A full circle. I still have a lot to say.... a lot to express... a lot to write about... a lot to get clarity in my head about....
But the question of how much should i express? Wether I should say what I want to say? remains....Will the opinion and the Image I have of my self get and feel any better if I express or will I regrett saying exatly what i want to.

No Sleep.............

I have trying to fall asleep for quite some time now........

Tossing and turning around. Was in sound sleep. Dream t of something strange, something I can't even remember now.
Hav been trying to fall back to sleep since... its been two hours nd simply no sign of sleep.... Wiered gthoughts doing the rounds in my mind and all around........

Really feel like talking to someone.................... to anyone but there is no one I can call up. There are people I can call up and talk but I dont even know what I want to say and there is no body I can say that to at this hour of the night.....

Took out my laptop, put on some music and then didnt know what to do.... suddenly my very own forgotten blog came to my rescue.

Just my way of throwing whatever little is going on in my mind to the universe.......

So wassup.................... :)

feeling slightly better!!!!!!!!!!!!

Better get back to trying to sleep. Hav 2 get up at 6 in the morning :( can u beat that???

I hate early mornings. koi na. no point cribbing :)

So with a promise to be a little more regular and throw all my thoughts to you so that I can sleep peacefully (selfish me)

Signing offffffff.....................

Muah...................