I know you think that I shouldn't still love you

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Song by DIDO

Dusk

beautiful blue sky with white clouds in batches, green hills lying beneath. Far away the sun is still shining and there is a contrast..... Clear blue sky near... and a bright orange further away.

Slowly the sky turns purple and dusk descends, Surprisingly its darker where it was dark orange... The green merges slowly with the purple , the pale path tries to find an identity and tries to merge with its surroundigs... it succeeeds eventually...

You could make out the sun, the trees , the hills , blue sky, clouds... You could see.. it was never ending.. the beauty stretched on and on and on... But eventually everything merged together...Nothing existed only a blackness stretched till where you could see, cold.... all enveloped in darkness.... stretched all over.

Meaning

U dont mean as much......
We were never meant to be........

Then why is it that every morning that I get up I wish that I were in your arms, that you were smiling, that your eyes were twinkling.... Why are you the first thought that I have every morning.
Why is it that when I close my eyes every night I kiss you goodnight. Why do I clutch the pillow and put myself to sleep. Why is it that I chide myself to reality when I cringe at the thought that you are elsewhere with somebody else, wondering....
Why is it that I am not ready to accept that you are not mine.. were never..... will never be. Why is it that I can never see that you dont belong here, with me. Knowing that why do I look for reasons to be with you, to talk to you. Why is it that when you hold me I wish I died just then so that I dont have to wake up to you not being there.
why is it that I get upset so that you soothe me, act funny so that you straighten me, screw up so that you straighten it out, be careless so that you care.
Why is it that no one else, nothing else matters. Why is it that I can never walk into your life. Why is it that I dont know you. Why can not see you. Why am I not there for you? Why am not your friend?
Why do I then connect with you? Why does what you think and feel matter so much? Why do I love you? What is it?
what is the meaning of all of this????

Incomplete

You are a beautiful person and i love you.
I want to hold hands with you forever. Holding you, In your arms, Sleeping in your warm envelope.
Sharing my deepest fears, my biggest mistakes, my darkest secrets.........
The way you hold me makes me feel special..... your touch makes me feel wanted.... your eyes make me feel beautiful......your kiss makes me complete.

And yet I am holding back, not giving myself completely..... and I don't know why. I dont know what I fear... What happens suddenly..... and then I withdraw, Go into a shell, hold back.....

I want to be yours. To give myself completely. To feel complete.

I am incomplete without you.....

No one to talk to no hands to hold anger remorse

.........................

Enough

i dont know what it is. I dont understand. I cannot reason it out. I cannot justify......I cannot give it a name. I cannot validate it. but its there.................
I feel someting, I feel a lot of things. You are constantly on my mind. i tell you stories when you are there.. I talk to you when you are not there. I hold you. I look into your eyes. I say good night. Everything around reminds me of you. what you said, what you did, how you looked, how you smiled, how you winked.......
You said you love me. I dont know what that means. You said I wont understand. I dont. You said you wont be there, you are'nt, You said she wont accept, she wont. No body will.You said you mean it. You said that you are'nt ashamed of it. You said it was pure..... You said a lot of things.
I dont know what all of it means.I dont know what you feel. I dont know wether you said it to soothe me, to justify it or wether the moment or the situation was such. I dont know wether you feel it.
But the fact that you said all this is enough. You said that....... you walked away. but it will last forever. It is enough for this lifetime.
I love you. That is all i know. That is all that counts. That is enough.That is all what counts. That is enough for me.

Love

She loved the guy. She did it for him. She would have done anything for him. Some women are like that. Some loves are like that. Most loves are like that, from what I can see. Your heart starts to feel like an overcrowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep you afloat, and your self respect and your independence. After a while you start throwing people out – your friends, everyone you used to know. And it is still not enough. The lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it is going to take you down with it.

Bavra Mann

Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna
Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein
Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein
Bavri Se Dhadkaane Hain, Bavri Hain Saansen
Bavri Si Karwaton Se, Nindiya Door Bhaage
Bavre Se Nain Chaahe, Bavre Jharokhon Se, Bavre Nazaron Ko Takna.
Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Is Jahan Main Bavra Ek Saath Ho
Is Sayani Bheed Main Bas Haathon Mein Tera Haath Ho
Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho
Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho
Bavre Se Pair Chahen, Baavron Tarano Ke, Bavre Se Bol Pe Thirakna.
Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri Khamoshiyan
Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri Khamoshiyan
Thartharati Low Ho Maddham, Bavri Madhoshiyan
Bavra Ek Ghooghta Chahe, Haule Haule Bin Bataye, Bavre Se Mukhde Se Sarakana,
Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Eaten from Inside

The call was over, and the emptiness Biju hoped to dispell was reinforced.
He could not talk to his father; there was nothingleft between them but emergency sentences, clipped telegrams lines shouted out as if in the midst of war. They were no longer relavent in each others lives except for the hope that they would be relavant. He stood with his head still in the phone booth studded with bits of stiff chewing gum and the usual FuckShitockDickPussyLoveWar, swastiks and hearts shot with arrows mingling in a dense graphiti garden, too sugary, too angry, too perverse- the sick sweet rotting of the human heart.
If he continued his life in New York, he might never see his pitaji again. It happened all the time, ten years passed; fifteen, the telegram arrived, or the phone call, the parent was gone and the child was too late. Or they returned and found they'd missed the entire last quarter of a lifetime, their parents like photograph negatives. And there were worst tragedies. After the initial excitement was over, it often became obvious that the love was gone; for affection was only a habit after all, and people, they forgt or they became accustomed to its absence.
They returned and found just the facade, it had been eaten from inside.

Status

I have learn t to love the fool in me... the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries... and loves, unquestioningly, hopelessly, madly, without any hope of being loved in return.

This is a friends status............

Faith

O come all ye faithful....... I always wonder what faith is and what it makes one do. Faith makes people worship a stone, believe that meaningless chanting will heal them, undertake long hazardous journeys just for the glimpse of their lord, perform meaningless rituals, take a dip in dirty stagnant water, fast, observe silence for days, do things they have never questioned and don't know the meaning or significance of....

All in the name of faith. What is it?
Is it an excuse to run away from the realities of the world and leave it all for some one you have never seen? Is it preparing for an after life you have no proof of? Is it all that meaningless?

Faith is hope, faith is what makes us tick. In hope of a better life, a better living, salvage from the cycle.
Faith makes us believe that a rock or stone is the lord. What if we didn't have even that? Is there a proof of the Almighty's existence? Is there a proof that he doesn't exist? How does joining your hands in prayer give you strength? What else does?
Questions are many. No answers for faith, No answers against it.

A belief that a piece of silver with ash enclosed inside can keep some one safe, protect someone from the evil eye is hope, is belief and I will not take it away if if I find it meaningless.
Because that is someone's faith.

Rescue

I am waiting to be rescued. Rescued from what, where, how, i dont know. I am just waiting for you to rescue me.
I ask my self why... You are not supposed to do it. I do not have the right or reason to ask you to..... But I wait...this is futile waiting. I am waiting for you to rescue me.

I sense you all around me. I can see you just walk into the door and take me away. I can picture you smiling at me, telling me that you are here for me and that you are mine, and that you will rescue me take me to safety, let me rest in your arms, be my knight..... But you arent there.........
You are not supposed to be there, you dont belong here, you are not my saviour.... and still I wait, to see our reassuring eyes, that smile, the face. I pine for your presence..... you are not there.
I am not to be rescued. I am sinking.... deeper, day by day, I will not be rescued.. I'll be gone....
I will sink.

This calls for a celebration

I want to celebrate...... have fun.......... go wild..........dance, shout , eat ..... go beserk.
I want to celebrate something. I want to celebrate with someone. I want to be happy.I want them to be happy for me. I want to have tears of joy. I want to see them beaming with pride.....

But there is nothing to celebrate, no one to celebrate it with. No reason, no occasion, no achievement...... nothing. Just plain and simple void. A void that eats me up. A strange loneliness envelops me. I look around and there is no one. No one to celebrate with, no one to laugh with, no hand to hold, no one who will cry with joy or beam with pride. No one, no reason...... to celebrate. No one who will say " This calls for a celebration" and celebrate with me.

24 hrs..... perfect.

Evening time...... both are rushing . meet at a theater for the seven pm show both reach rushing and enter the hall together. The movie is a romantic story a full paisa vasool, senti movie. They hold hands and watch it. She cries in parts and he just runs his fingers through her hand while holding it, trying to comfort her.
movie over. they walk out of the theater. a lil hungry. now where to eat???
takes time to decide..... bahut important decision hai bhai..... finally zero down to a place near the beach. Nice and cozy restaurant brown lights ... red sofas.... good food. They chat happily. Their eyes twinkling laughter in their eyes.
dinner over. they walk barefoot on the sand, holding hands. Its a moonlit night the sky is silver the waves too. the sound of the waves, the vigor of the wind. they sit down... close.. say nothing ...silence helps them converse better express better understand better.
its late.... they go back home. He unlocks the door, they enter together.... the lights are out... he switches the light on. It is a dim light... neither depressing nor too bright. Just perfect for them too see each other. He puts down the keys on the cabinet ... takes out his wallet, takes off his shoes... She has already moved inside put down her purse.. taken off her footwear and is sitting on the bed.
He enters, they look at each other there is a pause, then she smiles, he smiles back. he comes and sits beside her then lies down with his head on her lap. She rests her back against the bedpost and runs his hands through his hair.... massages his head lightly.. his eyes are closed both have a smile on.
After some time he gets up, goes into the bathroom. She changes for the night. washes her face, her hands and feet and goes into the kitchen he too joins her there. The kitchen is small and cozy. She brews coffee he sits on the slab and watches her.. they talk.. crack jokes.... laugh........
have coffee together.... he sitting she standing close, his legs holding her ..... talk about anything and everything.
Coffee over. She is putting the cups and dishes back he is holding her from behind, with his head on her shoulder, his face in her hair.
She turns and then they hold each other for a long time... they kiss.. and move back to the room...
The perfect night .
She opens her eyes. Its bright outside. looks around... its an off white room.. she is snuggled cozy in her blanket looks at the time, 10:00 am. He walks in with a a tray. toast, eggs, coffee.... steaming... have breakfast in bed. she snuggles up to him he holds her.. reads out the newspaper to her.. its warm....
They get out of bed. brush, lazing around, she gives him a hot oil head massage... a manicure.. cleans his feet in a tub filled with warm soapy foam. then they lie in the tub together for some time. they shower together. they dry themselves.
She rubs the water off his hair.
Then they rustle up something to eat, eat it and then sit in the balcony... watching the sun set......
the orange glow of the sun on their faces they stand when the sun is just going down. Hold each other for a long time....... say nothing....
Satisfaction on their faces... happiness in their hearts.
The sun has gone down...
they go back into the house... light it up...
He dresses up... puts his wallet back into his pocket... she sits on the couch..... watching him... both say nothing....
he comes over to her... she gets up they look into each others eyes.... hold each other..... he moves away turns, walks to the door... opens it... goes out.. turns looks at her once more...... they smile at each other. he closes the door. She keeps standing there.... for a long time......

Smiles

The picture just brings a smile to my lips. It has so much warmth , so much love, so much joy, so much cheer.....

Bliss............................

Hard rocks,
violent waves breaking against them
rain lashing down in full fervor
and you standing there, soaking wet, water all around you...........
beneath you, above you,all around you.
Your arms outstretched, rain hitting hard against you, you engulfed in mist...........
Only you exist
you are the only one
no one exists

you are in harmony with yourself....................

The sound of rain, the sound of waves..........
all mighty, all powerful
You can hear nothing else
except the lashing sea,
except the waves breaking
and that is the only sound you want to hear
you want to hear only that always
nothing more nothing less.

nothing lasts forever.........
The waves which could travel long distances break when they hit the rocks are turned to mist which has no existence...some thing you cannot hold, cannot quantify...
The rocks stand high and mighty..... as if nothing affects them.... The sea lashes and writhes against them.....
They too corrode slowly and become one with the sea someday... sometime... slowly........

And you stand amidst all this .....
amidst all the noise..... amidst all the violence.... amidst hope...amidst failure...amidst desperation...amidst desire....amidst triumph.....amidst sorrow......amidst pain....amidst joy...amidst the mist
amidst the beauty of all of it
amidst all that exists and all that ever has existed
amidst all that will ever exist
amidst the beginning
amidst the end
amidst all u are and want to be
its you
one with yourself
one with nature
one with god

Its bliss

I have graduated

I wonder sometimes
"why am I clinging on.... Why am I making someone's life
miserable....Why am I not facing it...was it meant to be any
different...Didn't I know...What is it???

And i wonder why am I thinking ... Am I not an expert at being
nonchalant. Have I not walked out before.Didn't i know that it
was not meant to be. Wasn't I the one who could just brush
anything aside and carry on. Why am I making such a big deal
about it.


When did i become so selfish. Now its just me........ me...... me.....When did I
stop thinking about the repercussions... The hurt ,the pain I
am causing to someone. Trying and vying for something that is
not mine.Since when did I stop caring.

When did I graduate.... and become this.

And for what??? Using someones innocence to assure myself. That
someone loved me. That I too mattered. To prove to myself that
there was someone who would be there whenever I needed. To
accept me as I was and to overlook whatever I did not have.

All for just assuring myself. Using someone to satisfy my
ego.To prove what had been thrown in my face...., wrong.

Who am I trying to cheat. Myself??? You??? who???

Why am I writing and posting this??? Just because I know that
you will read this. Just to grab your attention.... Again to
prove to myself that you care????

Why am I so selfish???

When did I graduate to becoming this???

I just Wanted..........

I just wanted you to smile at me.
I just wanted to talk to you.
I just wanted to walk with you.
I just wanted to look into your reassuring eyes.
I just wanted to watch the sunset with you.
I just wanted to dip my feet in the river with you.
I just wanted to laugh with you.
I just wanted to tell you stories.
I just wanted to hear stories.
I just wanted to put my head on your shoulder.
I just wanted to hold your hand.
I just wanted to be my self.
I just wanted to run away from all of it.
I just wanted it to be the same.
I just wanted to test myself.
I just wanted to run away from reality for a while.
I just wanted to be a child.
I just wanted to be there.
I just wanted you to be there.
I just wanted to be selfish.
I just wanted everything for myself.
I just wanted to hide you somewhere that I could just have you for my self.
I just wanted to scream everyone away.
I just wanted to put my head in your lap.
I just wanted to sleep...... sleep peacefully knowing that you are around.
I just wanted to know that you will be there always.
I just wanted to die die in your arms.
I just wanted to hurt you.
I just wanted to get hurt.
I just wanted you to be proud of me.
I just wanted to hold you.
I just wanted you to hold me forever.
I just wanted to dream.
I just wanted to hope.
I just wanted it never to end.
I just wanted it to go on............... Forever.
I just wanted too much.
I just wanted all that is not mine.
I just wanted what I dont deserve.
I just wanted what is maybe not right.
I just wanted all that I cannot have.
I just wanted...........

Vicious Circle

Its all a vicious circle.

It starts, it ends, it starts again. It goes round and round its a vicious circle.

You pretend, you open up, you become youself and then you go back to pretending again.

You mistrust, you trust and then you start mistrusting.

You laugh, you cry, you laugh again.

You rule, you fall, You rise and rule again.

You love, you lose, you fall in love all over again.

You get bogged down, You break the shakles, you are oppressed again.

You act brave, you run away and then face it bravely again.

We all are moving in circles. round and round and round in the same place. Looking for ways to come out of it. To go someplace when this dose'nt happen again. What is left back is left back.

All of us wanting , waiting to move out of it.

But we cant, We are not able to.

We just move round and round and round in the same place. In this vicious circle.

The wink ;)

;)
to get out of a situation, u wink........
to express, you wink..........
to hide disappointment ,you wink.....
to make a suggestion ,you wink.........
to flirt , you wink....
You wink when you are sad, when you are happy, when you are low, when you are high.
When in a crowd you wink to make someone understand something, when alone you wink to make them understand better.
To express love you wink, when you fight you wink.
It can make abuse go away, it can depict love,it can be sarcastic, it can mean a lot.
The magical wink.........
;)

Addicted

I can go back whenever I want to............
and you still keep doing it.

Addiction.........

Addicted to nicotine, to alcohol, to tobacco, to coffee, to drugs, to someone, to food, to misery, to work, to pain, to the phone, to the internet, to shopping, to water, to chocolates, to whatever...........................
I have always wondered why someone gets addicted to something. Why can't they live without the thing they are addicted to?? and still they always feel they can revert whenever they want..... What is it?????
They will do anything for it. They will go anywhere for it. Pay whatever price for it.......
Is it only for the pleasure of it??? Is it in someones psyche??? Is it physical dependency??? Or is it something else???
What is Addiction???

Victim

I am a victim. or rather I love to be one... I pretend to be one. He did this... she did that.... this happened..... that happened.... I am always on those lines.
Always looking for a shoulder to cry on???? Always looking for somebody to take pity on me. Somebody who will say it's ok...... Don't worry.
When did I become this pathetic??????
When did I start asking for pity?????
When did I start doing anything and everything to get attention????
When did I become this weak???????
When did I turn to this????
Why can't I just be on my own?????
Work my way out????
Why am I looking for people??????
Why am I behaving like this???
why????

Bundle of joy

bundle of joy

She is a bundle of joy. She is cute , she is innocent, she has questions, she seeks answers, she has no hatred, no one hates her, she brings joy to all........... She is a bundle of joy.
Worries , tensions all vanish even if you are just in her vicinity. You too laugh with her, try to understand what she is trying to say in a language that only she understands. You nod , you say yes, yes i too think so. You love her. She is powerful. She just looks at you and emotions stir inside you. You want to protect her. You cuddle her and want her never to grow up. You want her to stay in your arms always. To fit there like she does now. She engages everyone. She loves the attention and you love attending to her. She leads a simple life. In short you do everything for her. And you love doing that for her. If she is away for a moment you panic or miss her desperately.
You just want to be there for her. She is the most important thing. It is the most valued relationship. Everything else seems smaller.....
Your daughter.
Never understood what it takes to be a mother.
You don't seem the same.
Something has changed in you.
Somehow you have grown. I have seen this happen others too.
What is it????
Congratulations on your bundle of joy.
love you lots.........

Dreams

Waiting

I waited for a glance.
I waited for a smile.
I waited for a response.
I waited .........
I waited.......... and am still waiting.
Why do i wait ???
Why do my senses stand on alert at the mere mention of him.
I pretend as if he has no effect on me. When he is around i am indifferent. I say to people that I don't care but then I think of him.
His eyes haunt me. I say a silent goodnight to him everyday. I pray silently everyday for him. I use "ways" and "means" to find out about him. And still don't care????
I abuse him at times, Say nasty things always, want to hurt him at times..... Why????
I have locked him somewhere and walked past. He returns to haunt me. Day and night.... In and out.
I don't want to wait. I don't want to have anything to do with him. not now...not ever.
Why does he come back. Why am I haunted. Why can't I make up my mind. Why cant I stick by what I decided.
Get a grip..... Don't wait...... What will you get out of it??? For whom??? For what???? Why???? am I waiting.
I am still waiting.

keep smiling

bangles

Love in the air.....

You see.... You feel.... You realise....
You want to but you dont say anything....
There is love in the air. You can see them falling in love, but you dont say anything....lest the spell break.
You dont even know if its love. You dont know what to cal it.You dont want to call it anything.
You just want to wait and see how beautifukky it evolves. You just bask in the warmth it gives. Two beautiful people................................ . Call it what you want. Interprett it anyhow.
You can see it, You can feel it, but you dont say anything. You wait for it to come out in the open and shock you. You are waiting for the protagonist of this beautiful story to come out and tell you"yes... it's true. I love him". :)
You keep dropping hints to say" I know whats going on.....". When asked "what" you coil up and say" I dont need to tell you som ething you already know". You wink... You walk away...
You support... You say "go on..", "don't care...", "if it makes u happy, move o..". But you still don't name it.
I am afraid, it might not be. But whatever I see is beautiful.Maybe I see it just because i want to see it. Just let it be.
It makes them happy. stay happy forever. sprinkles of wishes on you.

WHY?????????

I sit and wonder. Why am I doing this? Why am I here? Why am writing? What am I doing? What do I intend to do? What is the purpose of my life? Where am I headed? What do I need? What do I want? What do Idesire? Why am i living?
I am just drifting. Every day just passes as it comes. today I dont know what i am going to do tomerrow or the day after or ever.
Every thing that i do is judt done. No thoughts before it, no thoughts after. What am i doing? What will be the consequences? What will be the repurcussions? Wether whatever I do is right, wether it is wrong? I am just doing it. Without looking back or forward. Where is my reason? Where is myself?
I feel I am moving, Where? I dont know. Then i feel , No, I was here. I was here all this while. And I am still standing here.
Then when I look around, I realize that I dont have anywhere to go. I dont have anything to look foward to. No plans. No goals. Nothing. Nothing to move towards. No pull.
Nothing..............
Absolutely nothing.
Was I always like this? Why am I like this?
No passion. No achievement. No drive. Nothing to die for.
Nothing.
Just nothing.
Just a void. A void which is enveloping me. A void in which I am falling deeper and deeper and I can't see the floor. I can't see where I am going to land.
I said "What is right is right and what is wrong is wrong and there is no transition between the two". I say"Do what your heart desires. If you want it, Its right". What is right? Or rather whichch one is right? who is right?
What do I listen to? What do I follow? who is ahead of me? Who behind? And who by my side? I live amongst who??????
The questions return. Who? Where? How? When? What?
No answers.
The only answer is an "ever" after each question.
Whoever.
Whereever.
However.
Whenever.
Whatever.

"What The Hell"

Well , finally created a blog, after much thought and after exercising a lot of will.
I have always wondered what will I write. For whom am I goin to write. My good old diary is sufficient. If I have to pen down something i can just put it there.I dont need a blog for it.I dont need to create a blog for it. I dont have to let my thoughts loose and in public.
Alothough I am expected to be technical and computer saavy I hate typing. I loose track of my thouhts. Scribbling on a peice of paper and drawing on margins and writing gibberish and scratching over it again and again is my style.
But, "What the hell???", finally did it. May be because at the moment I had nothing better to do.
So, Here I am, This is me. There is no where else on Earth I'd rather be.
Don't bother.
Just enjoy.
:)
LOL.