Good Bye

It amazes me how much I hate to board or de-board a train/ flight alone. I dot mind traveling alone as much as I hate that there is no one to hug and say good bye to. I never feel as lonely as I do when I have to travel without saying goodbye to someone.

I still remember when I had recently moved to Delhi. That was the first time I was traveling. I was at the platform waiting. The scenes of all the times I had left earlier just kept flashing in front of my eyes. Here I was wanting the train to just arrive and board it, there I used to hold your hand and wish that the train would just be a little late so that could be with you a little longer. I missed someone come - in with me and give the don't you dare miss around with her look to all around. It would just make me feel so protected. Here I was entering, and everyone scanning me, giving me side glances, the ohh she's traveling alone looks. The warm hug and the messages would just make the sleeper class with horny men around much more bearable than the air conditioned comfort of the best train in the country. I just sat and involuntary tears just kept flowing....


Every time I arrived, in the dead of the night, your amazing smiling eyes would be there to greet me. Every time.....
It would make me feel so loved. It would be like homecoming. There I get off. Walk to this taxi stand with a bunch of taxi drivers pouncing on you. Take a prepaid taxi receipt and then walk five hundred meters to get a decent taxi. reach home at a mad hour. unlock the door, show yourself in.

I am like this big girl in the city. all sorted out. independent able to take care of herself and all that... But I don't understand why I become so vulnerable every time I have to travel alone. each time.

I never feel as lonely as when I have to leave without saying goodbye.

Badam Sherbat

Mmmmmm........I just visited a friends place and her mom served me a glass of homemade badam sherbat. It was just too ymmmm.

I couldn't help asking her for the recipe and fortunately she was making some more right then.

So here's how its done.

You'll need:

• 80 - 90 Almonds soaked overnight in water
• 15 cloves of small cardamom
• 6-8 whole black pepper
• 1 small cup dabur kewra water
• 1 cup milk
• 2 kgs sugar
• muslin cloth

For the syrup :

Strain out the water used to soak the almonds in a heavy bottomed pan.
You could also use a pressure cooker.
Add some more water if required.
The total quantity of water should be around 3/4Th of a bottle.
Add the sugar to this water and throw in 2 cloves of small cardamom and bring to boil, stirring occasionally.
The liquid had to boil till it just becomes syrupy and just starts to form threads.
Turn off the heat and allow to cool.

For the sherbat.

Peel the almonds.
grind the cardamom and the pepper into a fine powder.
Put the almonds, pepper powder and cardamom powder in a blender / grinder
Add the milk (both for colour and as a lubricant while grinding)
Blend / grind till the mixture is a fine paste.
Strain the mixture using a muslin cloth into a bowl.

Mix the strained almond paste into the cooled syrup.
Add the Kewra water for the cooling effect and a wonderful smell.
Note mix the syrup, sherbat and kewra water only after the the syrup has cooled.

Bottle the above and store in a refrigerator.

To serve:
Pour the mixture to fill 1/4 of the serving glass.
Pour cold water in 2/4 of the glass
Top up the remaining of the glass with ice cubes.

Mmmmmm.......
Cool, Refreshing and Yummm

Where??

I have felt like writing so many times, I don't know why I just didn't.

I have been wondering where I am... but the thing is that I don't know where I am and its a strange place to be. Its not nice to be in this place. This is a place of changing beliefs, changing stands, of not knowing who you are, what you stand for....

The one thing that I have realized is that I am "OK" with a lot more than I have ever been. I am OK with seeing someone who is sitting beside me throw trash onto the road. I am OK with somebody around me misbehaving as long as its not with me. I am OK with principles bending, people bribing, cheating . . . . . . . .

I have just stopped taking a stand... and I don't like myself like this. Its a strange place

I dont know where I am...

Leaving......................

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Guitar Solo

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

2 Years...

What marriage means
Calibre of Money
Less trust
Cherish moments in life more
Need to Act wild / Act weird
Interpret Competition
Understand jealousy
Become self centered
Others less, me more
OK to not care about others feelings
Need for lesser people
Social Responsibility
Becoming a loner
Meaning of not being comfortable in your own skin
Relationships

Feelings

You just feel the way you feel...........
No body can cahnge the way you feel.. Sometimes not even you.
The deal is - Doing the right thing.............. inspite of how/what you feel

Focus

I realised today that its been quite some time since I thought through something and put it here.Actually I logged in quite a few times, had certain things on my mind but somehow didn't pen them down.
Today I was introspecting, looking back to where I have come, thinking about where I want to be, who I am? what drives me?
I met someone today who said to me: There are two ways to life. One is to make it what you want it to be or to live it with what offers.
I have been thinking about it. Thinking about making it what I want it to be. Thinking about what I want and started listing it down.
Family is far away. Distance. Somewhere I have started feeling disconnected.I love them care about them talk to them everyday but still feel a distance. More like I know what is happening but not a part of it. They know whats happening but aren't involved. I know that they are there for me. Everything is going smooth at home after a long time. What do I want to change about the distance that has crept in. Nothing. I am kind of feeling strange as I am writing it down but I am comfortable with this distance.
Ummmm... Well I like my job. I crib about it(esp the money) but its nice. I don't want to be at a certain designation. Its kind of peaceful. I am looking up newer opportunities and they are opening up for me.
I don't like the money I make. I would like to make more money. But what do I want to do once I have more money? actually nothing. I am living a decent life. don't need a jazzy car or a mansion or whatever. So I am pretty content here.
Just yesterday (and again) someone asked me about marriage. Why did I / didn't I want it? What am I afraid of? What I am holding back? Whew!!! once in for all I want to tell everybody. NOTHING! I don't want to get married because i am of a certain age. I don't want to get married because a certain guy is everything that someone would want. I am not afraid of anything. I am not holding back. I should have a reason to get married. I don't want to get married just because I don't have a reason not to.
What else? actually nothing. So what do I plan for? What do I want my life to be?
I just figured it out. There is nothing that I want my life to be other than what it is.
Live it with what it offers:yeah.. Decent job, great friends, perfect family, good life, reading, working, teaching, exercising, food, new work opportunities, new challenges, praying, sleeping well, healthy, breathing, living life with what it has to offer.
Feels good. :)

hmmmmmm

hmmmmmm

Dunno what.
hbvodnvidj
nvbohfncklhvcil.j

hmmmmmm

I miss u ........................

.............

Its strange.... its eerie....


I am dead tired. I have sleep in my eyes have tried several times but I am unable to sleep.
I dont want to think about it. I know its bothering me. I dont want it to bother me.
I want to leave this and move forward. I know it. But still am crying to my pillow.

Is this some kind of a jolt to wake me up. What does it mean. What should I make of it. What should I do now?

I am confused, I am upset, I am lost, I am hurt.

I want someone to tell me its OK. That its not about me. That I will be fine.
There is no one to do that.

Whenever someone asked me whats your biggest fear.. i would say loneliness.
I can now see what loneliness means.

I really want to talk to some one. any one......
Just scrolled my phonebook. There is no I can call at this hour of the night. No one that would know or understand wht this means.

I really want to take my mind of this.
There is nothing I can do. No Movie on my laptop. TV not recharged, Cant concentrate on the book, Too unsafe to go out, no one to talk to....

Feeling helpless.

Even this blog dosent help.

Unsaid......

why did u go away.....far away....
“It’s good for you. It’s good for me.”“Yes. Some people just aren’t supposed to be together....”(We never told each other practically.)“....but I still want to be with you.” He left unsaid.“Please stay here, in front of me, for two more minutes.I will try to live my entire life in these two minutes.” I unsaid.
“All right. I will have to go now.”“Please don’t go.” He unsaid.“Please stop me. Please ask me not to go.” I unsaid.“I’ll take care of you.” He said“No. I can’t give you another chance. I can’t stay now.”“Are you sure?”“Yes.”“When will we meet again?” He unsaid.“Please tell me it’s just a bad dream. Tell me I will wake up.” I unsaid.
I averted my eyes, lest the tears drop.He noticed how that single lock of hairbrushed against my cheeks.And it reminded him of the numerous times he had pulled them.“Give me a hug, you stupid boy!” I unsaid.“You are so beautiful.” He unsaid, wishing he could pull me closer just one more time.
“...I am a strong practical girl.... I am a strong practical girl...It will be ok....It will be ok in a while...” I muttered to myself under my breath.
“I think you don’t realize what you have done.”“Yes. I loved you so much. Did everything for you”“Why were you not strong enough?”“Why didn’t you hold my hand?”“Why didn’t you wipe my tears?”Where were you when I needed you the most?”
All these questions still unanswered……..Still unsaid….
“I will miss your ‘LOVE’ and ‘CARE’ messages,” I unsaid.I searched my stuff for the old memorieswhich, I was aware, once I foundwould bring him close to me once again, forever.“I wish we could have been together. For now. Forever.” I unsaid.
I came back, I am waiting for a miracle,I am still waiting, I don’t know for how long I have to?”
We saw each other once again“I know you still love me”, I unsiadAnd we holded each other, Everything unsaid.“Yes. I don’t want to go either.” I unsaid.And for that one momentAll reasons dissolvedI thought about the first time he had held my hand.He realized this was the last time and we would be holding them forever now...“I will miss you.” He unsaid.“I will miss you too.” I unsaid.
Waiting to be together forever now…..
One occassion. One song. Two people.Brought together by fate.And when I turned to separate,I did not look back.Although I wanted to, just to knowIf he had looked back too.
My first tear fell on those very handsHe had held just moments ago.I know not where my second fell...
Furiously wiping away at my faceThat was now stinging with hot incessant tearsI wished that just for one tiny day of my lifeI could be the special girl of GOD who could get her love back.
He is in my bloodOne thing I can’t forgetI love him so much and this no one would understandWhy am I supposed to go away?This is still unsaid…For the reason he wants me back I still can’t give my hand…
“Is this fate?” I said“No, this is Love”, which is now unsaid…….

Tu Jaane na............

Heard this song with my eyes closed amidst the silence of the night
Heard this song in the din of daytime
Heard it when I was high
Heard it when I was low
Heard it alone
Heard it in a crowd
Whenever I heard this song... It evoked the same feeling.....
Everytime it reminded me of you.
Every time I could see my self mouthing it to you and see you smile....

Each time I tried to decipher the smile to understand what it means.
I failed each time.
I love you.

Its a beautiful song.

Kaise bataye kyun tujhko chaheYaara bata na paayeBaatein dilon ki zuban aankhon ki tujhe samjhayenTu jaane naTu jaane na
Tu jaane naTu jaane na
hmmMil ke bhihum na mileTumse na jane kyunMilon ki hai fasleTumse hai jaane kyunAnjane hain silsileTum se na jaane kyunSapne hai palkon taleTum se na jaane kyun
Kaise bataye kyun tujhko chaheYaara bata na paayeBaatein dilon ki dekhon zuban ki aankhe tujhe samjhayenTu jaane naTu jaane na
Tu jaane naTu jaane na
Nigahon mein dekho meri Jo har bas gayaWoh hai milta tumse hoo bahuooo Jane teri aankhen thi uaya baatein thi wajahHuye tum jo dil ki arzoooTum paas ho ke bhiTum aas ho ke bhiehsaaas ho ke bhiApne nahi
Aise hai apne gileTum se na jane kyunMilon ki hai fasleTumse hai jaane kyunTu jaane naTu jaane na
Tu jaane naTu jaane na
Khayalon mein lakhon bateinYun keh gayaBol kuch na tere samneOO Ohuye na begane bhi tum
ho ke Aur keDekho tum mere hi baneAfsoos hotaDil bhi yeh rota haiSapne sanjota haiPagla hua soche yehhum the milTum se na jane kyun
Milon ki hai fasleTumse hai jaane kyunAnjane hain silsileTum se na jaane kyunSapne hai palkon taleTum se na jaane kyun
OO
Kaise bataye kyun tujhko chaheYaara bata na paayeBaatein dilon ki dekhon zuban ki aankhe tujhe samjhayenTu jaane naTu jaane na
Tu jaane naTu jaane na

:)

Tum may-re liye mar chuke ho

Sara sheher mujhe lion ke naam se jaanta hai

Dosti Main No Sorry No Thank you

Kabhi Kabhi jeetne ke liye harna bhi padtha hain. Harkar jeetne waley ko
Baazigar kehte hain

Yeh Dhai kilo ka haath jab padta hai to Aadmi utha nahi uth jata hai

Picture abhi Baaki Hain Mere Dost

Don ko Pakadna Mushkil Hi Nahin Namoomkin Hain

Main tumharay bina mar jaa-oongi

Mogambo Khush Hua

Mere Paas Maa Hain

Kitne Aadmi They

Mai tumharay bachhe ki maa ban-nay waali hoon!

Puliss meray peechay lagi hui hai

Bataoo, heeray kahan hai

Yeh anyay hai bhagwan

Main tera khoon pee jaaonga!

Mai tumhara ehasaan zindagi bhar nahin bhuloonga / bhuloongi

Bhagwaan. Maine aaj tak tumse kuchh nahin maanga. Aaj pehli baar...

Chilla. Aur chilla. Tumhari awaz kiseeko bhee sunayi nahin degi. Ab tumhe Bhagwaan bhi bachaa nahin sakta.

Tareekh Pe Tareekh, Tareekh Pe Tareekh

Maa. Mai B.A. first class me paas hogaya hun. (Followed by...) Mujhhe tum par naaz hai beta...Lo. Moo meethha kar lo...Sau saal jiyo... Khaash...(sob)....Aaaj tumhare pitaaji zinda hote, woh kitne khush hote. .............

A visit to the Soothsayer

I had never even imagined that I would go to an astrologer. I know and believe that astrology is an exact science but never really trusted that Celtic predictions could be true or hold meaning. I firmly believed that what had to happen..... had to happen and there was no point knowing. If your stars had sealed your fate, so be it.

Some time back I visited one.

Why would some one want to know whats coming? To know when a bad phase will end. To gauge whether an agreement is destined to work. When will wealth flow? Why is someone ill? What is the future of my loved one like? There can be a million reasons.

I did not have any.

A friend just mentioned turmoil and we decided to go.I was a little unsure, a little nervous, a little anxious and a little bit of me was even excited....

We entered. It was not what I had expected. No red tilak on the forehead, no rudraksh beads, no long birth charts. No puja mandir. It was a pleasant home. A very courteous lady and a laptop.

I went first. Cited my date, time and place of birth and waited. My head was working in a frenzy.Probably I was processing in my head what I wanted to hear. Hoping she would say this. Say that. But say what? I couldn't pin point. I went red in my face. My ears were burning.

She looked at the charts, then at me and smiled. She asked me. "Beta, what do you want to know ?". I didn't know what I wanted to ask or even why I was here. ........

I shrugged.

She started............... I really wanted to grasp and hold on to every word she uttered but I felt like there was this membrane surrounding me that wouldn't let me understand, let me absorb what she was saying. She went on... I wanted her to continue and to stop at the same time. I wanted to know more... Know why... know how. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to condition my actions. I didn't want to know what to expect. I wanted life to go on as is.....

I was overwhelmed.

It took me a long time... rounds of reasoning..... acceptance and denial to understand and make peace with what life has in store for me.

But I am at peace now.
A lot calmer.
I have answers to questions that don't exist.
A direction to nowhere. ...................


I was a life changing experience for me....