Left Behind...

It was just another day and I was passing by the cafetaria. And I saw this person having dinner... and I froze. He looked so much like someone I knew, the way he ate, the angle back made on the chair,the length of his neck, the look of his glasses, the make of his watch.... But he wasnt the one I knew.
This just brought back all that was in my mind before... All that I refused to to think about, all that I would brush under the carpet... All that I thought I had left behind.
I suddenly realised that all this while it had been a part of my existance.
I would chuckle to mayself and pronounce "contagious" when I caught someone yawning after noticing that I had or vice versa

I would smile at a mans shapley feet

I would recall a certan palce each time I had corn soup

I would wrap my arms around myself each day I got up at an hour when the sun was not up yet but its warmth could be felt

I would always feel someones presence when I would walk down a long road (without music)

I would close my eyes and feel his voice as he sang it when I hear the song

I would recall all the conversations and the lot that had happend over coffee at a certain coffee shop

Every time I would look a a long haired super cool dude, It would remind me of his advice to marry one of the kind

I would miss him everytime I was labelled stupid for watching hopelessly romantic movies

I looked at this picture of a starry night and it reminded me of the breathtaking beautiful skies

I could see the concern in his eyes whenever my heamoglobin is low or I have a bout of nausea

I would mentally create the shocked expression whenever my baby sister acted big

I would miss him every time I scratched a bruise and it bled.....

It was all there while I want it not to be. while I want to walk away. While I want to leave it behind.
The why's never stop. The understanding... acceptance... denial... anger... acuastion... guilt... love.. fear.. longing, all wage this strange battle, this same commotion, this same conflict.
I dont know why, I dont know what.
I thought I had moved on... I thought I had left it all behind....I thought I was free.... I thought I was in control
Dont know if I am... If I have.........

Just for now... at the moment I feel left Behind......................