Waiting

I waited for a glance.
I waited for a smile.
I waited for a response.
I waited .........
I waited.......... and am still waiting.
Why do i wait ???
Why do my senses stand on alert at the mere mention of him.
I pretend as if he has no effect on me. When he is around i am indifferent. I say to people that I don't care but then I think of him.
His eyes haunt me. I say a silent goodnight to him everyday. I pray silently everyday for him. I use "ways" and "means" to find out about him. And still don't care????
I abuse him at times, Say nasty things always, want to hurt him at times..... Why????
I have locked him somewhere and walked past. He returns to haunt me. Day and night.... In and out.
I don't want to wait. I don't want to have anything to do with him. not now...not ever.
Why does he come back. Why am I haunted. Why can't I make up my mind. Why cant I stick by what I decided.
Get a grip..... Don't wait...... What will you get out of it??? For whom??? For what???? Why???? am I waiting.
I am still waiting.